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Brewers Bleachers
Lunch Money Bulley
If top American health insurance companies were in mental health counseling today , there’s a good chance they’d be diagnosed with clinical depression.
It’s no wonder the insurers’ public persona is talking a hit for its silence as Congress and the American public debate the future of affordable healthcare delivery as we know it. It’s a matter of survival at this point. Dark moods and bruised egos aren’t unlike teenagers caught in a social vice grip, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing for a big public company. After all, investors, patients, doctors and Congress --- are all fishing through pieces of their business model like a giant jigsaw puzzle with that one missing piece somewhere on the Family Room floor.
Finding solace and comfort in their collective silence, most of America’s big healthcare providers decided it best to sit this whole thing out. Without willpower to fight back for their lunch money, for months we saw no public statements, no official position, no opposition at all to what Congress was trying to do to them.
Not so long ago, the teenage patient on the shrink’s couch decided silence by Sucker-Punch was uncomfortably bizarre. Suddenly, the hypnosis of denial wore off and the insurers stopped hanging out like a wallflower at their Junior High prom, waiting in vain for a member of Congress to ask them to dance.
And off the bleachers they came. All at once, pushing an eager 8th Grader over to the Visitor’s side of the basketball court to whisper sweet-nothings in Congress’ ear as Hillary Clinton --- the last crowned Prom Queen of Healthcare Reform --- slow danced with Joe Biden, who was busy making sure no one danced too close for too long.
“True reform to cut healthcare costs has been sidetracked this year by too much emphasis on whether congressional bills will include a public option,” said Karen Ignagni to Congress. “…As far as cost containment is concerned, it’s as though the house is on fire and the strategy is to rush in with an eight-ounce glass of water.” As president of America’s Health Plans, Ignagni is the new Big Bully the wallflower insurance companies have timidly asked to join its clique.
Puzzled, the prom-goers stood by slack-jawed as she took the microphone. The music on the P.A. system stopped. The punch bowl sliding hard onto the hardwood floor…Stunned, the prom-goers were amazed the wallflower insurance companies have a voice! Turns out, it’s a loud one, too. But it’s still a little cracked in its delivery.
Congress scratches its collective head, thinking , “After all this time, that’s it? The wallflower is gonna ask us to ignore the Public Option and make it go away so they can take their place back in the lunch line? What’s all this hocus-pocus about?”
The wallflowers, sensing the bullies don’t buy it, say they don’t blame Congress for taking food out of their mouths. They blame Medicare recipients who need their lunch money to survive and young, healthy Americans who have big appetites for these lunchroom brawls.
Then, right before someone spikes what’s left of the punch, in walks the Prom King himself. President Obama:
“We’re closer than ever before to passing meaningful health insurance reform,” the King says through his own bully, Dan Pheiffer. “You can bet as we continue to make progress, the insurance industry will continue to try and distract and misinform because they know their very profitable status quo is in grave danger.”
For now, everyone waits. As invited guests on clean-up duty in the gym, we grown-ups look at each other and hang around long enough to see if Congress will stop throwing their foes into the lockers. Too bad, though. It’s almost midnight. The dance is just about over and it doesn’t look like more fists are gonna fly before mom drives up in the mini-van and takes us to the free clinic for cuts and bruises.
About the Author
Milwaukee Brewers Kalahari Splash Zone at Miller Park in outfield bleachers